If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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