Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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