Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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