my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
If I die, sorry about rent.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
