that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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