So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I have already put on my inside pants.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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