im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
