i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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