Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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