he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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