I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Randomize
