she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
