I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
