oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Randomize
