Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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