she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
just found out that she named her cat after me.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
