This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
