my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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