Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
