i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
