Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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