Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
