Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
how drunk are you?
Several
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
