Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
