Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
