i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize