i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
