it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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