Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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