her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
