Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
