They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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