There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
