my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
