I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
