Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
