Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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