You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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