Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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