I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
should my penis look like a turkey
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
