God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
they need to just BURY HIM!
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Randomize
