weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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