Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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