At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
