ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
