i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
My dad is sitting where you rode me
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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