Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
