my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
