im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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