Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
