I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
