I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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