to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You may now shotgun with the bride
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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