Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
