Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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