At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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