I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
