my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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