if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
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