two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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