Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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