he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
