I'm so fucking centered right now
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
