i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
