I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
